Post by Katie on Mar 26, 2004 22:07:05 GMT -5
......a looooooooong time! I've been off and on in my enthusiasm in the last few weeks---trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life now that DD is on her own, now that I'm working, now that I'm living in a house that is half the size of my last one, now that I've gained back 25 pounds of the weight I'd lost, now that I'm not exercising as much, & worried about my back and possible surgery.
I've joined OA--Overeater's Anonymous--March 19 in fact. Done a lot of thinking in the past week, and I've discovered, without a shadow of a doubt, that I do use food to shield me from life. That sounds simplistic and "I"ve heard that before" when I write it, but believe me, it's a real revelation for me.
I believe that from any early age, I've had a love-hate relationship with people. I've never really felt safe with most other people--safe meaning that they won't "turn on" me, whether verbally, emotionally, or physically. I've "turned on" many times--by family, by friends, by employers, by lovers, by "society." I developed the habit of withdrawing into my own world, depending on me alone (but always knowing that God was there with me), and saying that I don't need others. Then, when I'm feeling more optimistic, I'll turn outward, seeking friendship and companionship----until I'm turned on again. Maybe I even expect to be disappointed and left "alone" again.
Now, what does this have to do with my relationship with food? Have you ever been let down by a cheese sandwich, a piece of pie, a burger? Neither have I--always good, always tasty, always filling. And I may have even attributed characteristics to food that were unrealistic but which I needed to do at an early age for my sanity---"food is good," "food is friendly," "food is how my parents show me they love me when they are never home and don't hug me." I always had money for food after school, I always had food in the house---my mother saw to that. And that meant she loved and cared for me. She couldn't be there but when she came home with bags of groceries or took all of us for a fun grocery shopping trip, it was fun, happy, and rewarding. Except for the food at home, there was little else there to be happy about.
Now where do I go from here? Whereas I never meant for it to be this way, being overweight and obsessing about food has created a life for me where I have been irresponsible socially, financially, and health-wise. It's hard to reach out to others when you don't trust people and don't really think they like you that much--"how could they like ME?" "they like___ better than me." "they're just being nice to me." It's also hard to be responsible for a home and finances--who really WANTS to do that? If you have something to fall back on, you do---I did. So I created a vicious circle where I eat to feel better, then I gain weight, then I isolate myself, then I have excuses for why I can't go out among others and have fun (which is just going to hurt anyway), and then no one really expects anything from me--I like it like that---or do I? Truthfully, it has its benefits. I don't have to worry about what gifts to get everyone, when their birthdays are, are they REALLY my friends or am I just in the #2 or less position (where I feel I've so frequently found myself). Have I not expected more than 2nd or 3rd place in anyone's life?
I have seen exactly what I'm writing written by others. But, hey, I'M writing this. Me, Kathy. It's gonna mean a lot more to me that to anyone reading it.
I have a choice to make now. Where will I go now? I know it's not all black and white like that, but I'm miserable where I am right now--I've got to move in some direction and not stand still. I'm praying for God's help everyday to help me with this. I deserve that feeling of pride when I know I've reached out to others, as we're supposed to do on this earth. And I need to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to be who I am. I'm such a cynic that I feel like the lady who wrote the poem "when I'm old I'm going to wear purple." I'm not going to be that cliche--I'm just going to say that some things are clicking in my brain right now that are propelling me forward into a different phase of my life. I'm excited but scared.
Until next time........
I read a GREAT saying from OA today--"Going from one obsession to another is like changing seats on the Titanic."
Later......
I've joined OA--Overeater's Anonymous--March 19 in fact. Done a lot of thinking in the past week, and I've discovered, without a shadow of a doubt, that I do use food to shield me from life. That sounds simplistic and "I"ve heard that before" when I write it, but believe me, it's a real revelation for me.
I believe that from any early age, I've had a love-hate relationship with people. I've never really felt safe with most other people--safe meaning that they won't "turn on" me, whether verbally, emotionally, or physically. I've "turned on" many times--by family, by friends, by employers, by lovers, by "society." I developed the habit of withdrawing into my own world, depending on me alone (but always knowing that God was there with me), and saying that I don't need others. Then, when I'm feeling more optimistic, I'll turn outward, seeking friendship and companionship----until I'm turned on again. Maybe I even expect to be disappointed and left "alone" again.
Now, what does this have to do with my relationship with food? Have you ever been let down by a cheese sandwich, a piece of pie, a burger? Neither have I--always good, always tasty, always filling. And I may have even attributed characteristics to food that were unrealistic but which I needed to do at an early age for my sanity---"food is good," "food is friendly," "food is how my parents show me they love me when they are never home and don't hug me." I always had money for food after school, I always had food in the house---my mother saw to that. And that meant she loved and cared for me. She couldn't be there but when she came home with bags of groceries or took all of us for a fun grocery shopping trip, it was fun, happy, and rewarding. Except for the food at home, there was little else there to be happy about.
Now where do I go from here? Whereas I never meant for it to be this way, being overweight and obsessing about food has created a life for me where I have been irresponsible socially, financially, and health-wise. It's hard to reach out to others when you don't trust people and don't really think they like you that much--"how could they like ME?" "they like___ better than me." "they're just being nice to me." It's also hard to be responsible for a home and finances--who really WANTS to do that? If you have something to fall back on, you do---I did. So I created a vicious circle where I eat to feel better, then I gain weight, then I isolate myself, then I have excuses for why I can't go out among others and have fun (which is just going to hurt anyway), and then no one really expects anything from me--I like it like that---or do I? Truthfully, it has its benefits. I don't have to worry about what gifts to get everyone, when their birthdays are, are they REALLY my friends or am I just in the #2 or less position (where I feel I've so frequently found myself). Have I not expected more than 2nd or 3rd place in anyone's life?
I have seen exactly what I'm writing written by others. But, hey, I'M writing this. Me, Kathy. It's gonna mean a lot more to me that to anyone reading it.
I have a choice to make now. Where will I go now? I know it's not all black and white like that, but I'm miserable where I am right now--I've got to move in some direction and not stand still. I'm praying for God's help everyday to help me with this. I deserve that feeling of pride when I know I've reached out to others, as we're supposed to do on this earth. And I need to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to be who I am. I'm such a cynic that I feel like the lady who wrote the poem "when I'm old I'm going to wear purple." I'm not going to be that cliche--I'm just going to say that some things are clicking in my brain right now that are propelling me forward into a different phase of my life. I'm excited but scared.
Until next time........
I read a GREAT saying from OA today--"Going from one obsession to another is like changing seats on the Titanic."
Later......