Post by Katie on Aug 31, 2003 16:39:10 GMT -5
(This is long; have a cup of tea. ) Just wanted to share with you about my lifelong struggle with this awful monster, B & W thinking, and how I am beating it.
It goes like this: if I do 100% of what I planned for that day, all is well, flowers and butterflies! If I don't do ONE little thing I planned to do, I screwed up--the whole day/week/month is ruined, all good doesn't matter, and I'm a failure. ((Just writing this out makes me realize more how faulty this thinking is!! ))
I'm pretty sure that this has to do with self-esteem issues, my perfectionism, trying to be "a good, nice girl even though I'm fat," a super-achiever older brother, & other stuff that I probably can't even clearly see). This has been a lifelong pattern for me, and I've been overweight my whole life. (And for what it's worth, I'm sure that my issues are probably different from someone who has gained weight from pregnancy or medication, etc.)
But what a circle you can get into with this "on or off" view of yourself and life! You keep chasing your tail and never get out of the rut of "I'm doing well--uh, oh, messed up, don't look back & run away from that in fear---doing well!--uh oh, forgot my vitamin, not enough water, I'm BAD, wallow a while, finally get strength back---doing well, this is great, I'll NEVER mess up again---uh oh, ate more than I planned at lunch, ARGH!, I'm SO bad [even though I may have had MONTHS of "perfection"], wallow, wallow---and so on.
What am I trying to do different now? I'm embracing (yes, embracing), each and every time that I fall short of my goal (or anyone's goal for me)---because afterwards I get back up srongly on my feet. Each and every time this happens, it PROVES to me that I CAN DO THIS THING! I can work and work til I GET THERE--cause I'm on my way now!
Now by "embracing," I mean that I try to burn into my brain that feeling I get when I fall short of a goal--the feeling of "what the heck am I DOING?" or "WHY did I do that?"--instead of shrinking away from what I did with a self-loathing "I knew I couldn't do it" attitude. And, moreover, I don't react to the problem with an "oh, well! La dee da!" attitude. There is that balance in the middle where you use whatever experiences you have, positive AND negative, as a springboard for REAL CHANGE.
I breezed through this weight loss journey last year for 10 months, not entertaining the thought that I would EVER stumble...but I stumbled. I didn't fall, but I tripped. I've regained my footing now. My goal now is this: When I stumble (and I feel like I will, realistically), how can I recover quickly without falling and rolling down the hill? Because when we're stumbling and struggling to stand back upright, we can be our own worst enemy. So I'm going to work like the thingyens on getting that "balance" where I can say: "Yes, you've stumbled, but did you ever pretend to be perfect? No. Did I plan for it to happen? No. So, without this stumble lasting for days and days, let's get back up RIGHT NOW, and go on. Let's not worry about why it happened; let's just accept that it did, and get back up RIGHT NOW. Stumbling feels ROTTEN, even though I'M not rotten, and I don't like this feeling, so let's get out and away from what happened, and put distance between the stumble and me......Now, that we've recovered, let's feel positive about our journey, and stay away from the stumbling blocks."
Someone on BCB once said that this journey often is not a straight line, but more like an upward spiral. Sometimes a spiral will double back onto itself....but it's continuning to spiral upwards nonetheless
I wish you all the very best in your journeys.
Love, Katie
It goes like this: if I do 100% of what I planned for that day, all is well, flowers and butterflies! If I don't do ONE little thing I planned to do, I screwed up--the whole day/week/month is ruined, all good doesn't matter, and I'm a failure. ((Just writing this out makes me realize more how faulty this thinking is!! ))
I'm pretty sure that this has to do with self-esteem issues, my perfectionism, trying to be "a good, nice girl even though I'm fat," a super-achiever older brother, & other stuff that I probably can't even clearly see). This has been a lifelong pattern for me, and I've been overweight my whole life. (And for what it's worth, I'm sure that my issues are probably different from someone who has gained weight from pregnancy or medication, etc.)
But what a circle you can get into with this "on or off" view of yourself and life! You keep chasing your tail and never get out of the rut of "I'm doing well--uh, oh, messed up, don't look back & run away from that in fear---doing well!--uh oh, forgot my vitamin, not enough water, I'm BAD, wallow a while, finally get strength back---doing well, this is great, I'll NEVER mess up again---uh oh, ate more than I planned at lunch, ARGH!, I'm SO bad [even though I may have had MONTHS of "perfection"], wallow, wallow---and so on.
What am I trying to do different now? I'm embracing (yes, embracing), each and every time that I fall short of my goal (or anyone's goal for me)---because afterwards I get back up srongly on my feet. Each and every time this happens, it PROVES to me that I CAN DO THIS THING! I can work and work til I GET THERE--cause I'm on my way now!
Now by "embracing," I mean that I try to burn into my brain that feeling I get when I fall short of a goal--the feeling of "what the heck am I DOING?" or "WHY did I do that?"--instead of shrinking away from what I did with a self-loathing "I knew I couldn't do it" attitude. And, moreover, I don't react to the problem with an "oh, well! La dee da!" attitude. There is that balance in the middle where you use whatever experiences you have, positive AND negative, as a springboard for REAL CHANGE.
I breezed through this weight loss journey last year for 10 months, not entertaining the thought that I would EVER stumble...but I stumbled. I didn't fall, but I tripped. I've regained my footing now. My goal now is this: When I stumble (and I feel like I will, realistically), how can I recover quickly without falling and rolling down the hill? Because when we're stumbling and struggling to stand back upright, we can be our own worst enemy. So I'm going to work like the thingyens on getting that "balance" where I can say: "Yes, you've stumbled, but did you ever pretend to be perfect? No. Did I plan for it to happen? No. So, without this stumble lasting for days and days, let's get back up RIGHT NOW, and go on. Let's not worry about why it happened; let's just accept that it did, and get back up RIGHT NOW. Stumbling feels ROTTEN, even though I'M not rotten, and I don't like this feeling, so let's get out and away from what happened, and put distance between the stumble and me......Now, that we've recovered, let's feel positive about our journey, and stay away from the stumbling blocks."
Someone on BCB once said that this journey often is not a straight line, but more like an upward spiral. Sometimes a spiral will double back onto itself....but it's continuning to spiral upwards nonetheless
I wish you all the very best in your journeys.
Love, Katie