Post by Katie on Mar 28, 2004 18:07:00 GMT -5
Had a binge episode last nite, and another today. It's OK because I am really seeing that, without a shadow of a doubt, I am bingeing because I'm avoiding things. I believe that this is what is meant by the "courage to change the things that I can" because it is not comfortable for me to be so frank and honest about my feelings/motivation at times because I've been making excuses or either saying that I have no idea why I do the things that I do. At church today, the Bishop said that during Lent, we should focus on death and ressurection--that our "death" could be, among other things, dying to a childish way of life. Bingo for me! Anytime you're not owning up to your feelings and then facing things head on, you're not actually maturely. I, Katie, have not been acting maturely. No guilt, no shame...just a fact.
Last night, I binged in the middle of the night. I had committed to going to church with my aunt, but then started to feel like I wanted to back out. So I basically fought sleep, began eating, and, even though things I was eating were low in points, is was binge-behavior. I started asking myself what I was avoiding and why I was doing this. It was very apparent that I was wanting to not get much sleep and then beg off from church because I was too tired from not having slept enough. This is a HUGE revelation for me--the 1st time I have identified the avoidance/binge connection. The avoidance comes in when I worry about something but don't take any concrete action to solve/change it. So I eat. Pointless and damaging behavior. Is this self-medication from childhood? A child-like relaxtion technique?
On to today. I went out to lunch and things went per usual there. When I returned home, I started to binge, telling myself at 1st it was OK because I was eating fruit. But it wasn't OK. And when I asked myself why I was doing this, the answer was that I was waiting on Crystal to visit, may be worried about something I was going to discuss with her, didn't want to do anything constructive/requiring thinking, so I ate. A little different motivation but it was still "avoidance" behavior.
My next step is to methodically use alternatives to the avoid/binge syndrome. Now that I've made the connection, I'm going to continue to pray that God helps me heal and change from this.
Until next time....
Last night, I binged in the middle of the night. I had committed to going to church with my aunt, but then started to feel like I wanted to back out. So I basically fought sleep, began eating, and, even though things I was eating were low in points, is was binge-behavior. I started asking myself what I was avoiding and why I was doing this. It was very apparent that I was wanting to not get much sleep and then beg off from church because I was too tired from not having slept enough. This is a HUGE revelation for me--the 1st time I have identified the avoidance/binge connection. The avoidance comes in when I worry about something but don't take any concrete action to solve/change it. So I eat. Pointless and damaging behavior. Is this self-medication from childhood? A child-like relaxtion technique?
On to today. I went out to lunch and things went per usual there. When I returned home, I started to binge, telling myself at 1st it was OK because I was eating fruit. But it wasn't OK. And when I asked myself why I was doing this, the answer was that I was waiting on Crystal to visit, may be worried about something I was going to discuss with her, didn't want to do anything constructive/requiring thinking, so I ate. A little different motivation but it was still "avoidance" behavior.
My next step is to methodically use alternatives to the avoid/binge syndrome. Now that I've made the connection, I'm going to continue to pray that God helps me heal and change from this.
Until next time....
